Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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