I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
