Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
