hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
