I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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