I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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