A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
