You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
