Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
