I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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