So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
