when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
