There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
