Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes