wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.