Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
