hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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