God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
