I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
