His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
