And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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