I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
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I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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