remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm like, not good at living.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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