We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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