she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
