totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
