Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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