So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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