Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
