i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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