I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
