When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
