hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
