Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
