it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
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