I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
