When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
