Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
