While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
