My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i came on her dog
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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