i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
