i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
then he tried to convert me to islam
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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