i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
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Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
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The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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