Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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