Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
