she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
