I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
