Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
