I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
PANTIES FOUND
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
