Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
