My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
