Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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