Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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