You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
sarcasm needs its own font
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
