Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
