You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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