I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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