Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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