i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
