You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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